TWO YEARS BEFORE THE MAST - A Personal Narrative of Life with Microsoft

Ok... I'm not really Richard Henry Dana, Jr., so I suppose I should drop the silly allegory. However, I suppose I am starting to understand something of what he felt.

I feel like I've been chained to Microsoft Word now for years(it's actually been weeks - but who's counting?). I am working on the wonderful stage of product development in which we define every last jot, tittle, and nuance of meaning related to the specific satisfaction of a list of requirements handed down by the customer, massaged by the system engineer and dropped quite firmly in our laps. Now we pour over a hot monitor to impart every last detail of essence into a document that very likely no one will ever read. I guess in theory it goes like this... Boss: "Go forth and document - be fruitful and multiply the pages...." Engineer: "Yes my Liège". Engineer pours over odd looking and unusually ungainly template form for the functional design specification. Returns to boss. Engineer "but it's horrible looking!" Boss: "Go forth and document...." Engineer returns to Microslop Werd. Engineer writes a page or two. Returns to boss. "Done.... Now, on to the CODING!!!!". Boss: "Not so fast Mario - remember, this document has to cover every possible nuance of the design in case you get hit by a garbage truck". Engineer "I'll look both ways when crossing the street." Boss "Go forth and document and show theyself well approved in the tracing of thy requirements". Engineer returns to Microsloft Wrd. Stares at screen. Plays with pencil on desk. Changes out current selection of MP3s (Removes "top 10 polka hits", puts on Tom Jones singing "It's not unusual....."). Stares at screen some more. Types in a couple more pages of dribble. Returns to boss. "Done.... now on to the CODING!!!!!". Boss "I don't think so - let's see the FDS". Engineer stares at floor, drags toe around on the carpet, finally looks up and says "you know we aren't going to make our schedule if I have to waste time on documentation!" Boss "I've heard that one before .... go forth and document!".......

Ok, maybe it's not quite that bad but who ever said an engineer loves to do paperwork? Paperwork is for accountants. Paperwork is for accounts receivable clerks. Paperwork is for origami experts. Let's face it, paperwork is for the birds (if they are in a cage). Most engineers won't get near it. However, in steps ISO and makes us behave. Everybody wants to be ISO. It's what tells the customer that you might know what you are doing (emphasis might) but at least even if you don't know how to do what you are doing, at least you can repeat it! It gives repeatability!

Ah the lovely standards bodies and certifications organizations. Imagine the industy that has arisen out of making "quality" a household buzzword. Of course every engineer wants to produce a quality product. He just doesn't want to have to design the whole thing on paper before he starts turning the ole wrenches and getting some good ole grease all over him! Yeah - that's what I'm talking about! Argh Argh Argh (a Tim Allen tribute and manly moment).

Yes, all engineers want to skip the dopey design phase and go straight to flinging that sucker together! It's a fact. Nothing is quite so rewarding as watching your creation "evolve" before your very eyes. Of course, nothing is nearly so hard to maintain as something that came into existence through man-made evolution. Ah reality. What a pain. Ok, so front end documenting is probably a good idea - but at least make the other guy do it not me!!!!

:'{ (crying face)

Ok, so I am now in the final week three of a tough documentation project. I'm tired, I'm beat, and I think I need new glasses but that's another problem. On the bright side, I have no social life so I'm saving money and I'm getting a nice tan from the monitor (the whole face glowing in the dark at night thing has me a bit concerned but I'm sure it will pass). The wife is kind enough to throw a towel over my head at night so the glowing won't disturb her sleep.

Anway, it's all due this week and then we have the ego-less beating to death of my infant child (document) by merciless Hessians whose sole delight in life is to criticize me and my child. Then they will forward pages of design review comments that say things like "on page 10, paragraph 3, section 1.2.4.2.3.2.1 - you forgot to put a period at the end of the sentence". Then I get to revise the whole thing and sit through another Smashbrothers session. Hey, it doesn't get much more fun than this. Oh well, it is the way of the Force and I must follow it. Because it's better. I know it is because they tell me that..... and they couldn't be wrong now.... could they?

Well, one more day of drudgery to go (actually it's a holiday - lucky me - that gives me another 17 hours to document!).

On a lighter note, I was flattered today because my wife called me "Tim" (referring to Tim Allen). The circumstances were quite funny. We were having lunch at our favorite Chinese place today (Sorry Joy) and while we were eating, this other family got up from their table and put coats on intending to leave. It was a young couple and they had two small children - a boy around age 4 and a girl around age 2 plus a pair of obvious grandparents. Well, as they got ready to go, this little girl (cute as a button! - wait a minute... why do they say that? since when is a button cute? what kind of button would it have to be to be a "cute button"? are some buttons more cute than others? if so, how do the other buttons feel about that? is there an organization that defends un-cute buttons from unfair discrimination in the "ain't it cute" work space?..... but I digress....) Anyway, this really cute little two-year-old girl walks up to me and she just stands there smiling this really beautiful little smile. She has this expectant look on her face and she just stares at me and smiles expectantly. She totally ignores everyone else (including her brother who is trying to retrieve her) and she just smiles at me. Well, once the adults were clad in full winter garb (it was barely 10F today here), they finally gather up the little tike and off they go. That's when my wife laughed and said "well Tim!". I didn't get it immediately but then it finally hit me - oh, she's talking about the scene in The Santa Clause (#1) where Tim is sitting on a park bench (in full Santa beard but dressed in Sears best) and these little kids start walking up to him and wanting to tell him what they want for Christmas. Of course the little kids are the only ones who know him as Santa because he's dressed in his civies.

Well, I really had to laugh at that. I could see her point - the little girl was looking at me just as if I were Santa and she was ready to recite the list of 2006 goodies she would be expecting come December. Very cute and of course I was flattered to be even momentarily linked with my favorite comedian. Everybody who knows me knows that I am personally trying to wear out my DVD players with repeated playings of "The Santa Clause (#1 and #2 - of course) and Galaxy Quest - my two favorite movies of all time.

It was quite a day. Well, back to da dockyamentin!!! (I've really got to stop drinking caffeine laden coke late at night).

Good night all. Have a nice week coming up and I send my love your way.

Jerry

I leave you with this thought....

There once was a young engineer,
Who feared that his boss would appear,
and ask him to write,
just for meanness and spite,
a document large and most drear.